In middle school, our band had a number of slackers, most of whom were in percussion. It was, after all, a time of trying subjects out and discovering strengths and weaknesses, and I think it was common for a lot of people to want to try their hands at drums and guitar. One particular percussionist was on timpani and doing a really poor job. We were all having fun that day, so one of my fellow trumpet players, a very good musician who would later be first trumpet in our jazz band, asked to give the timpani a shot. After some instructions from our band director, he basically nailed it on the first try, and our poor percussionist didn’t hear the end of that for awhile.
As kids, it was really funny and we made a lot of sport over seeing somebody who should have been good at their part get schooled by somebody who had never played the instrument before. It seems pretty cruel to me now. Some people just aren’t cut out for certain things, other times they haven’t been given the opportunities or the confidence to succeed. But what happens when you have, and you still get schooled by somebody else? That is a very real fear a lot of people experience. I know I’ve experienced it. I think it’s part of why I spent so many years pursuing expertise, and it may even be a part of why I pursue expertise now: the fear of not being good enough. The fear of being humiliated. The fear of all my work and experience being trounced by somebody else who has greater intelligence, learns faster, and has better aptitude. The fear that the things that matter to me don’t count.
What a sad and debilitating fear to live with! It’s easier to do nothing so you can’t be shot down.
My graduating class’s valedictorian and salutatorian were both incredibly gifted in academics AND athletics. Our salutatorian was even great at art and music. They were both good guys, but they were easy to hate. Our valedictorian was a distant friend from middle school, and he was ever-so-slightly a self-righteous jerk, but it takes one to know one, so there you go.
Only more recently have I woken up to the subtle enviousness in my life. I envy praise, yet I never know how to handle it when I receive it. I did a big Lego project of friends one time that received so much attention from all these friends-of-friends that I became physical nauseous from it. That was weird. I want people to like me, to think highly of me, at the same time I’ve wanted to buck the trend. I developed a pretty nasty swearing habit in college that I never bothered to fix, but in some ways I desired this because I didn’t want to be some goody-goody church kid acting perfect so everyone would pat him on the head. Then I just went on to not like those people because of all the praise they received. Seriously! Too often are we the instrument of our own suffering.
I find a lot of freedom writing this blog specifically because it doesn’t get much attention. I mean, I appreciate a positive note from time to time, but I don’t write this blog for the attention, ’cause there really isn’t any. This blog allows me to express myself. The most common comment is that what I write is “interesting”, but not necessarily stuff people agree with. Excellent. Beyond personal expression, this is the next best goal: getting people to think. If everybody agreed with me, what would the value be? I would just be reinforcing what people already believe. Where’s the fun in that?
I’ve also found that when I’m out snowshoeing alone, I don’t care what other people think about me. Sometimes I get back to the trailhead and feel like a real badass. It doesn’t matter that there are more intense trails out there. It doesn’t matter that scads of people are in way better shape than me. I went snowshoeing and had fun, and that’s what matters.
Too bad it isn’t easier to internalize this in other areas of life!
Now, none of this is to say that life should be about ignoring everyone around you. We live a delicate balance between individual and collective. The people with the worst self-esteem often just isolate completely. I think the pain is too great sometimes, but that may be different for each person. That’s my suspicion, though.
It’s one thing to say we should lift others up, but I think it’s more complicated than that. You have to reach a point internally where you can desire that for others as well as yourself. It’s okay to succeed, too. And some people have a greater drive to succeed than others, which isn’t wrong, you just have to make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. It’s a terrible shame to be tremendously successful out of fear. And if fear is the only thing that keeps you succeeding, it must be a terrible master.
One thing I’ve noticed about my closest friends is that they don’t take me too seriously. It’s good, I think, to extend the favor to myself.
But yes, it’s good to be able to celebrate others’ victories. To not need the last word. To not be the smartest person in the room. To not be territorial over one’s areas of accomplishment. But how do we reach that point in our hearts? How does that go from a mere sentiment to a real celebration? How do we let go of all the voices around us, constantly communicating the message, intentional or not, that we suck? That I don’t know. That’s something to think about.