For all of the money I’ve saved, I still live in fear of some financial issues. This is important to investigate.
It took me two tries to successfully change my transmission pan gasket. The first time, I accidentally let some excess fluid spill out the back side of the pan while installing it, which was a big mistake, and would later allow additional fluid to leak out and fly back onto other parts of the undercarriage while I was driving. Round 2 went much better, and I was able to install the pan gasket without fluid getting on the rim. Thus far, the gasket hasn’t leaked.
But that doesn’t mean my transmission isn’t leaking. It turns out, some of the fluid was coming from above. Not from the axle seals, but from the case itself – the bead of sealant that goes through the middle of the transmission, connecting the bell housing side to the body side.
When I discovered this, I lost my mind. What was I going to do? Would I be able to pay somebody to reseal it? Would I need to get the transmission rebuilt? Would I pay to reseal it, only to have new issues turn up, and then have to rebuild it, at significant extra cost? What about the parts I still needed to change? What if the engine went bad?
I made some less than stellar money decisions as I hunkered down to finish some of my other projects on the car. Fear does this sometimes (at least I have a really sweet new tool now. I guess) But it’s amazing to me how, now having over $150,000 saved, I still live in fear of the dreaded $3,000-$4,000 transmission rebuild. “Is the car worth it?! What about all I’ve put into it?! Will people think I’m an idiot?! Is this the best way to spend my money, or am I throwing it out the door?!”
How stupid! As I now find myself in a position in life where I have plenty of money, it amazes me how I still fear things that cost. Am I addicted to growing my stack, such that I can’t bear to see it set back even the slightest? Am I afraid of the opinions of others if I’m not choosing the absolute, most optimal path forward?
This…can’t be right. I remember the days when I had $4,500 in my emergency fund, when I wasn’t skilled in my field, when my rent was much higher, and my car in worse shape, and even then I didn’t have the fear in me that I’ve had lately. And I know dozens of people who have endured greater hardship, with much tighter budgets, who simply have the peace of God in their hearts. And that challenges me.
Will this change? What happens if/when I reach $300,000? Or more? How is it that, without wife or kids, with generally good health, limited obligations, and a decent amount of mechanical skill, that I am afraid of spending money on my car?
I don’t know that I can hope to truly serve God’s Kingdom with this in my heart. (Okay, don’t give me that theology bullshit, I know we can always serve in God’s Kingdom, I’m talking about really walking in what God has for us)
I could probably buy a new car, take a few years off work, and still not really give a shit, but this is how I choose to spend my time, my mental energies? If this fear robs you of peace, what hope can you have for being a truly generous person? And yet some people give when they really have nothing.
This is, of course, not a money issue – it is a heart issue, and I think I’m rubbing up against what often turns people into “greedy bastards” at a certain level – not so much malice as fear. Not that I feel that way now, but it seems to be the natural trajectory when you simply lose sight of perspective. I’ll never forget those early years with my first car, having it die on me, having repairs wipe out my otherwise-good savings.
I know there are people in the church who drop stacks. I’ve known some of them. I’ve wanted to be one of them, but God always seems to be holding me back. Maybe it’s just not the time. For me to live in fear of, say, a $3,000 repair is stupid. If that gives me fear, what hope have I of giving away $3,000?
And strangely enough, it’s always cars. Why cars? (Okay. I probably know)
What is the the point of money if it can’t be used to diffuse some of these anxieties? When you have provision, use it!
Honestly, my car probably just needs a reseal that I would guess might run me around $1,200. That’s not chump change, but it shouldn’t be a big deal to me. The least I can do is just get some quotes. It’s not even urgent, it maybe releases one drip per day or two. Some people would just never repair this and keep an eye on the fluid level (“being particular costs money”!) These cars easily get 300k miles, and mine’s only at 200k.
The deeper challenge is understanding where this fear comes from, why it is that perspective seems to have been lost.
It’s good to test the heart sometimes, and we all have our fears. But when those fears don’t make sense, something deeper is going on.