Thus far, my late 20s and early 30s have been marred by quite a bit of instability. Getting established in a profession took awhile, building friendships and community took awhile, and developing a sense of self and purpose has taken awhile, too, all in the midst of mass scatterings of friends, comings and goings of church groups, 3 horrible months of unemployment, a few job changes, and of course, one pandemic (which was oddly probably the easiest part).
But now it all comes to a tee: my parents will be leaving Colorado before the end of the year.
Plenty of people move away from their parents, some reluctantly and others with glee, but considering I get along with mine very well and they’ve never been more than a 45-minute drive away, this sucks. Through absolutely everything over the past 12 or so years of “adult” life, they have been the truest of anchors. At least my sister now has a family of her own to keep her company when she calls them from time time, but what in the world will I have when my once-a-month visits turn into scattered phone calls?
I have a handful of really close friends spread across the city, this is true, and I’m very thankful for these friends. But long past are the days when I saw them on a regular basis. It makes me sad just thinking about it.
Moreover, my friend who owns this house that I’m renting in is thinking about selling it. There are a lot of factors going into this, so the future is very uncertain, but the bottom line is that I don’t yet know where I will be living next year, the year I’ve been planning to take off from work. I always knew I couldn’t rely on renting here forever, but damn, I didn’t think the possibility of not being able to would approach the one year I really didn’t want it to approach.
So uh…mentally I’m not doing so well. We INTJs are not fans of this sort of thing. One of the biggest fears in my head is that I’ll end up renting a single bedroom apartment alone, not interacting with anybody from work because I won’t have a job, seeing friends rarely, not seeing my parents at all, and then basically going insane.
…but that’s a very human fear, and aside from having to constantly remind myself that I need to live with the unknowns right now, I also have to trust there’s a point to all this, even though I’m not one of those starry-eyed Christians who likes to carry on about “Oh, God has a plan for EVERYTHING!” No, but I mean I’ve been really challenged on a few things the past few months, and I’m also acutely aware that sometimes God doesn’t turn up in one’s logical options, too. What I absolutely cannot get over is the feeling that it is still now or never for the year off: the year off must commence.
(I’m also beginning to hate my job. At least once a day I say something along the lines of, “I fucking hate this”)
I’ve been trying to contemplate alternatives for my year off, too. One thing that came to mind is the World Race, a missions program one of my friends once went through. The whole shtick is about going to 11 countries in 11 months and doing missions work, and the timeline would even work around the big trek I hope to go on. I’ve never been a big fan of trying to increase numbers, though, whether it’s states visited, countries visited, or 14ers climbed, because I find this kind of obnoxious, but it otherwise sounds like a good program. I’m just trying to keep an open mind. But after looking it over and only finding vague references to ministry and churchy stuff…I don’t know, man. Since I have a degree in Anthropology, I always thought it seemed like a natural extension of that knowledge to be involved in missions, but the call has never really been there. My efforts to be involved have often failed. I think my interest in other cultures is more academic than spiritual. There may still be a place for that, but I can’t get over how there has never been a call, just my own interest floating around. I tried to consider business-as-missions, but that kind of failed, too. I have no idea what any involvement in the future might look like, although what might be my new church is actually connected to an overseas ministry an old friend is involved with, which was a cool thing I learned several weeks ago.
But, quite frankly, I think 2022 needs to be in Colorado. There’s some historical research I’d like to do, as well as quite a few mining ruins to explore, including some archaeology classes I would like to finish. And I of course still want to see my friends. But 2023…I don’t know. Maybe that will be the year I finally leave, probably to be closer to my parents and sister, though hopefully someplace that also has mountains that rise above tree line, as well as the remnants of things long past. And if I have to pay for a single bedroom apartment next year, it’s not like I don’t have the money, I just hate to spend so much taking a year off (FIRST. WORLD. PROBLEMS). And much of that boils down to fear, and not wanting to delay my quest for financial independence. It’s also true that most of my money is invested and only so much is in cash. (The World Race would actually be cheaper….)
But maybe this is where I need to be. The crossroads. Asking the deeper questions.
I have ideas in my head, but systems theory only gets you so far. I’m within walking distance of pretty much everything I need, and 15-minutes’ driving distance from pretty much every store you can imagine. I was looking forward to really feeling the seasons change here. But I guess to be honest, it’s not a particularly scenic location. When my best friend told me, 4 or 5 yeas ago, that he and his wife were thinking about moving to [stupid] Michigan, I was really sad, but I told him that I felt like they probably were going to move, and they did. Because what do you do? Sit around in the same town, hoping everything stays the same, forever? What happens if you stay for your friends, only for them to move on later? I still miss him, but life doesn’t wait around for these things. You can’t chase the good old days, you have to find good new days. And who knows? If I do still end up renting from my friend at a new location, maybe it’ll be a pretty sweet location. Or maybe if I have to get an apartment, maybe I’ll finally get a cat. There’s just no way to tell the future right now.
Honestly, though, Denver is starting to feel kind of haunting. I have enough history here now that it just feels kind of sad some days. I miss going around to restaurants, doing activities, hanging out. People my age now are pretty boring. I fully intend to reach out to more of my friends, I’m just afraid it’s terribly difficult to get ahold of people these days. We aren’t in our early 20s anymore.
I’m just rambling. I guess I’m very much an external processor and I have to say things to organize my thoughts or I go insane. Maybe I’m not the only one who is at the crossroads.